Cuddle Time

What an amazing couple of hours!! I remember vividly, when they threw Miya on my chest immediately after I delivered her. I can honestly say I was a little grossed out and very overwhelmed. With Jayden, I knew what to expect a little more and enjoyed it a little more. After the took Melanie out, I was totally lost! I didn't know where to look or what to do or even what I should be feeling. I knew I couldn't hold her, but I thought I would at least be able to see her. All I saw were Jeff's red eyes and his unsureness of where to be; holding my puke bucket or watching over the doctors shoulders. I remember feeling guilty for wanting to hold her for just a second before the Dr.s whisked her away. I also remember just wanting to quit puking for awhile.

Well, today was a little different. I walked into the nursery this morning crying sad tears. Jane filled me in on Melanie's stats...all good and then said they were going to pull out one of her stomach lines which meant I would be able to hold her. Then came the tears of joy. So all day I kept watching the clock, waiting for 6:00 to roll around. Jeff and I ate supper in about 15 min tonight. It may have had something to do with the fact we didn't have to keep telling Miya to talk a little less and eat a little more :) When the time came I was anxious how Melanie would respond to me. Would she have a bunch of Brady's, would her stats go down? Would she not want me to hold her? Cast your cares to the Lord was the little voice inside my head. And then it went really fast, Jane was handing her to me and I could no longer wonder. Brady or not, she was in my arms and on my chest. It was the most amazing feeling. Holding something you have been so anxiously awaiting. Being able to show your love to that tiny little person. For just a couple seconds, I felt like everything was right; that I could fix her pain and suffering. I felt for the first time like Melanie's Mother. My heart goes out to all those Mothers out there that aren't able to hold their babies. Know you are in my prayers.

She was so precious. I had a hand under her bottom, but it really wasn't her bottom. It was her diaper!! I was cupping her diaper cause she has no butt. Not sure if it's a Westra trait or part of being a preemie :) She had some twitches and movements and it really felt like I was still pregnant and she was just kicking around in the womb. I'm so thankful that God has brought Melanie's health to a place we are able to hold her. I'm thankful God has given me the ability to feel touch. I'm thankful I could smell her stinky breath, and watch her stats be perfect for awhile, and to not hear a machine beep for just a little bit. To be in total contentment! I can't wait for daddy to hold her tomorrow!!